The summer is a scary time. Some people do nothing: they sit and get 真的 good at some game that nobody 真的 cares about, like Zombie Killing Mania 7: Kill the Zombies in a Mania Frenzy 7 or Fortnite. (I made both of those up! 他们不是 真正的!)其他人则去 do 的事情. 夏令营! 实习! Working at the KFC as a not-manager 因为 of administrative gridlock!
It’s like congress, KFC. 你会有 no 知道 功能失调的 it is in a company that sells 炸鸡.
But I’m not here to talk about pseudo-Southern fast-food chains represented by the creepily mustachioed. 不! This article is to explore three non-doers’ summers. People who squandered their summers thinking of pets, going on walks at weird times of the day, and discovering fake jazz. I could say these stories are all true, but then I would be lying. 撒谎是不对的, 至少圣经是这么说的, and do I look like an apologist or a remotely qualified person? No! To tell the honest truth, I have no business even telling fake stories to you!
But that is a long introduction to what is a short joke. So grab a non-alcoholic piña colada and settle down into your faux La-Z-Boy 因为 we’re about to go on a journey together!
Galvin Yopka, 27 years old, completing an MA in something he can’t even remember, lives in a random, jail-like basement, and wants a pet. 单,很明显.
Galvin is a silly, silly man. He’s spent 32 hours on PetFinder.com in the last week, and most of it was looking at horses. 他不能养马! He lives in a basement that barely has a kitchen! That’s how every day has gone from May 1st until now, August 23rd. It’s the end of his summer, and all he’s done is crack open his 1997 Lenovo IdeaPad, sit on his soggy blue couch, and think about horses.
That is all you need to know about Galvin’s summer.
Thankfully, Galvin’s story is the worst. I had to start with him, though, 因为 you can’t go up before you go down!
辛迪. 住在明尼阿波利斯.
辛迪 leads a happy, simple life. She has a blue gingham tablecloth, fuzzy white slippers from Bangladesh, and a cousin who calls her once a month to ask for more money, 辛迪给他的. “这是我的好事,” she always says when he calls, before forking over $1000 in Outback Steakhouse gift cards she 知道 她再也回不来了.
在夏天, 辛迪 began walking at odd hours. 凌晨1点. 晚上七点. 中午. Have you ever seen somebody walking at 中午? That’s like going to bed in the early after中午—it just doesn’t make sense. But 辛迪 would walk and walk, 对我来说, 至少, 也许对你来说不是, 但没关系, 因为 你 not making this up) she would always walk at odd times. One morning, on a walk from three to six am, she found a clam shell. “Wow,” she thought before throwing it back to where it came from. Then she went home and thought about clams for an hour before going to bed at seven in the morning. 七个!
辛迪 walked at weird times for her entire summer. 8月, she got a job selling shoes, which she always complains about to her cousin when he calls for more money.
诺顿桑德斯, with a wife and three children, has vacationed to Europe more times than he can count on his fingers, has straight brown hair and wears tropical shirts.
致诺顿·桑德斯, summer was a time of liberation from the K-Pop his three children would blast around the house. 诺顿的朋友, 格里, recommended that 诺顿 listen to some jazz, “你知道, 放松一点, you’ve been looking awful uptight recently, 诺顿,” and 诺顿 immediately bought a Kenny G CD. Kenny G is all he cares about now. 在夏天, all he did was shut himself in his office, make sure nobody could see in and put his headphones in. 韩国流行音乐，消失了! There’s a new king in town, and he plays the saxophone and his name is Kenny, 你知道, like Ken in Barbie but with extra letters. 诺顿 is still a good father: he takes his children to t-ball practice once a week. But he spends all his spare time in his study, discovering the magic of the saxophone. And his friend, 格里, told him he seems “more relaxed now, you do, that’s my buddy.”
好吧! After reading about these people, who didn’t do much with their summers, aren’t you ready to go out and conquer the world? 我知道我肯定是!